DEAR ERIC: I have had a best friend, Beth. I’ve known her since we were 23 years old. We have not always lived in the same city nor seen each other regularly, but when we do, it’s as if no time or distance has passed. We connect immediately.
My problem is that Beth does not always return texts or calls in a timely fashion. I mean weeks will go by or sometimes she won’t reply at all.
She is a married, childless medical professional who works part time. It seems that she could easily make the time. I feel very ignored and neglected. I also feel pretty childish that I feel this way. Is this normal modern etiquette or do I just accept that my best friend is just kinda flaky?
– Ignored by my Bestie
DEAR BESTIE: Although there are many ways of handling texts and cellphone calls, I hesitate to say that this is the modern etiquette. However, our phones and other devices can often give us the impression that we’re all experiencing time and communication in the same way. And that isn’t true.
Sometimes I’ll get professional emails that include a signature line that reads “your work hours may not be my work hours; please don’t feel obligated to respond outside of your work hours.” I like this because it acknowledges that people manage their time differently.
Along the same lines, it will help you to have a conversation with Beth about expectations and hopes around communication. Try not to frame it as a demand. She’s not wrong for taking a long time to get back to you, per se. Maybe her expectations around texting are laxer, or she finds replying overwhelming. So, come at it from a place of curiosity. Does texting or calling work for her, or is there a better way of staying in contact? Does she prefer to have a set time, perhaps, or even to receive a calendar invite? In this conversation, you can also talk about what works for you, and what makes you feel valued. Armed with this information, you’ll both be able to communicate better.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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