The blessed event is finally here: Emerald Fennell’s long-awaited adaptation of Wuthering Heights has officially hit theaters. Yes, it’s far from faithful to the Emily Brontë source material… but who cares, when the movie’s so hot? Get a life, English-major nerds! (And I can say that because I’m one of you!)
Below, read quite literally every thought I had while watching Wuthering Heights, and find out why Jacob Elordi as Heathcliff made me add “men” back to my Feeld settings:
- Okay, what I thought were sex sounds are actually the sounds of someone being hanged.
- Can’t say I care for these puppets.
- Not the hanging dickprint! Emerald, you’re so crazy for this one.
- As someone who dressed pretty sluttily to see this movie, I identify with this woman showing off her corset rack.
- OMG, the titular moors.
- The film’s name spelled out in hair is so creepy and cool and really doing it for me.
- “You look like a plate of corned beef” is an amazing way to greet your child.
- Oh, so this is baby Cathy.
- Pretty good likeness to Margot Robbie.
- Hats off to casting!
- Why did it just sound like someone yelled “SKINNER,” Superintendent Chalmers-style, from offscreen?
- She just named this random-ass kid Heathcliff?
- After her dead brother?
- I probably should have reread the book before seeing this movie, but here we find ourselves.
- Get this total bitch’s ass, Miss Nelly.
- It’s almost as though giving your child a human being and saying, “He shall be your pet” might lead to a weird dynamic between the two kids!
- If your initials aren’t woefully carved on a rock, is it even a proper period English romance?
- Aw, poor Nelly.
- There’s a solo adult man in my theater loudly shushing two giggling teenagers, which… I mean, they’re annoying me too, but get a life, bro.
- This dad is a dick, but smashing plates at your forgotten-about birthday dinner does look like fun.
- 🙁
- This sad, romantic little English lad is so “Wells for Boys”-core.
- Oop, Heathcliff and Cathy are adults now!
- With neighbors!
- Who made their fortune in textiles!
- Jacob Elordi’s wig is strongly giving Jesus, but it’s not not working for me.
- BRB, Googling “how to get cathy wuthering heights cheek blush.”
- HONG CHAU!
- Fellas, is it gay to make your fortune in velvet?
- Mist AND high-spirited horseplay? Things are getting horny!
- Who ever could have put eggs in Heathcliff’s bed?
- This Heathcliff-touching-the-eggs shot is soooooo vintage EmFen.
- Ahhhhh, Heathcliff keeping the rain out of Cathy’s eyes is proper hot.
- No offense to our boy Elordi, but I saw someone on Instagram say they can’t forgive Fennell for not casting Dev Patel as Heathcliff, and now I cannot stop thinking about it.
- Ladies, a man who will smash a chair for you is generally a red flag, but in this case, since he’s creating firewood, I approve.
- We have our first shirtless Heathcliff shot, ladies and gents.
- And neither I nor Cathy mind the sight, apparently.
- God, I’m so straight for this movie!
- I feel like everyone else on this property has a real “You two fuck yet?” attitude about Cathy and Heathcliff.
- This girlypop passionately discussing Romeo & Juliet is really serving me Shoshanna Shapiro.
- I hate the Lintons already.
- Cathy’s makeover is giving LoveShackFancy.
- I feel like Isabella may, in fact, not be the sweetest person alive.
- A ribbon room sounds lit, though.
- Mean Heathcliff is so hot.
- I fear I’m part of the problem.
- Why do all girls secretly want to be treated like a nuisance?!?
- JK, we actually want reproductive rights, but this dynamic is still mysteriously sexy to me.
- Is this the sexually violent turn that Tina Fey spoke of?
- But it’s not even Act 3!
- HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Sorry, is me yelling “HOT” going to become tiresome over the course of this recap?
- Blame Emerald!
- And the definition in Elordi’s biceps!
- Okay, love the creative liberty of having Cathy just straight-up jerk off.
- I thought she was on a horse for a second and got confused, but she’s not.
- Bitch, if you don’t stop running from this man!
- THIS SCENE!
- Not him lifting her up by the corset strings!
- I am dead.
- I am extinct!
- Nelly needs a spinoff.
- Mr. Linton is making me feel the exact opposite of how I just felt watching Heathcliff seduce Cathy.
- Which, I guess, is the point.
- Well, that was a quick proposal.
- Not too much on my girl Nelly, now!
- Nelly can really clear a bitch when she wants to.
- Why the hell should Nelly be kind to YOU, Cathy?
- Honestly, kind of serves Cathy right to have Heathcliff gallop off, although maybe I’m a bad person for this take.
- Ah, the famous wedding dress.
- This veil!!!!!!
- These wet, gloopy kissing noises between Cathy and Edgar are going to make me barf.
- Cathy doesn’t seem to be loving them either.
- God bless Isabella for making Cathy this wildly creepy doll.
- I do have a childlike longing to own this dollhouse, I must admit.
- Edgar’s green cape is kind of fly, I’ll give him that.
- This pink bedroom is terrifying.
- I would die for these tiny pink sunglasses, though.
- Okay, confirmed: owning a tiny dog is the height of luxury and refinement! I’m the Catherine Earnshaw of my era!
- Never has a quick-cut sequence so clearly communicated the adjective “HORNY.”
- A woman being hanged? Girlboss city!
- Parents just don’t understand.
- That is, indeed, a tiny dog.
- I love how lesbian women’s gifts to each other used to be.
- Bump reveal!
- Or, in normal words: Cathy’s pregnant.
- EGGS IN THE BED?
- Heathcliff’s back, and he’s got pranks!
- And a little haircut!
- And a bisexual earring!
- He looks like my friend Jordan.
- The concept of Cathy doing anything but having 24 straight hours’ worth of sex with Heathcliff right now is mind-boggling.
- I guess he’s busy having a pipe, a cane, and an attitude, though.
- Trust no bitch, Isabella.
- Indeed, go ahead and take it all out on the weird voodoo doll you have of Cathy. You’ve earned it!
- Cathy is kind of the worst.
- And yet… it’s hot to me?
- I am severely mentally ill for being into this.
- Not to mention how I feel about Heathcliff’s gold tooth!
- When women say, “Marry her, for all I care,” they’re definitely not being disingenuous.
- God, Edgar is such a cuck.
- RIP, shitty dad.
- Okay, they gotta do it now, right?
- Again, I really should have revisited the book.
- A man putting a coat on a woman has never been so sexy.
- IT’S SO ON.
- Oop, maybe not.
- I’m no Cathy fan, but damn, way to pile on after her dad dies, Heathcliff.
- Making out against a stone wall with a guy who’s got one little earring… I miss Berlin.
- Oh yeah, I forgot Cathy’s straight-up with child.
- Finally, Miss Fennell giving us what we came for!
- (Actual sex.)
- Love that Edgar basically gave Cathy an upholstered pink sex room to conduct her affair in.
- Not this wet white shirt reminiscent of the infamous Mr. Darcy scene from Pride & Prejudice!
- Well, at least she can’t get pregnant twice.
- “Not half as much as you like crying.” END HER, NELLY!
- Seriously, Hong Chau absolutely steals this movie.
- “Wasn’t that your tongue in my mouth, Cathy?”
- Somebody sedate me!
- Oop, pregnancy reveal :/
- Actually, it doesn’t seem to be slowing Heathcliff down.
- “I’ll drink his fuckin’ blood”…….. Oh, men are so back, baby.
- For me, personally.
- If they’re Jacob Elordi.
- I’m so Isabella (talks a big game about wanting a guy’s bod and then is terrified when the opportunity actually presents itself).
- I wish a guy saying, “I will treat you abominably” had ever turned me off, but once again, Isabella, girl: I’m right there with you.
- Oh, my angel, he’s never going to be nice to you.
- But also, isn’t that sort of the point of Heathcliff?
- TBH, I wish men had been this clear and direct with me about their evil intentions in my 20s.
- If I were Nelly, I would be on whatever the period equivalent of LinkedIn was yesterday.
- Heathcliff……..a real freak………my kingdom for one of these!
- Men will really say, “I will wait for you every day and every night” while fully having a side chick chained up at home.
- Aw, gal pals 🙂
- Love Nelly’s chic lil’ cape.
- Girls love to be reminded of their famous hypochondria on their deathbed.
- Ahhhhh, dead Cathy 🙁
- Oh, this childhood flashback is getting my ass.
- Mid reviews be damned, EmFen did her big one with this movie (in my humble opinion).
- Not to be a glib millennial, but maybe this movie would have turned out differently if all parties involved had access to some SSRIs.