Dear Elizabeth,
My husband just came clean to me about something he’s been doing, and I need advice on how to manage this situation. For backstory, we’ve been married 25 years, and we are best friends. Our sex life isn’t 100% what it used to be, but it’s consistent and sweet.
He recently confessed to me that he has spent a very large amount of money (nearly 30k) paying a financial dominatrix. He explained that he’s always had a fetish for spending money on women (in hindsight, he gave me some pretty extravagant gifts during our courtship), and this was his midlife crisis.
He’s cut ties with her, our finances are thankfully going to be fine, but I’m trying to figure out what to do. It’s not cheating, there was no sex, they never even met in person. This may sound weird, but is there a way I could play this role in his life instead? I realize it’s our money, but I want things to work between us. We’ve really had no other big problems over all these years.
In Finance
Dear IF,
Delayed honesty beats no honesty. No relationship is perfect, though this is clearly a significant screwup. When considering forgiveness, it’s important to distinguish between malice and foolishness. Your husband made bad choices, but he was unlikely trying to hurt you. One should also give him credit for coming clean rather than being caught.
Yes, it’s a lot of money, but people often spend a lot of money on their hobbies. You say your finances will be fine, so I assume you are a couple with some means. How would you react if he spent a similar amount of money on a more wholesome hobby? It would be easy to spend 30k over a few years on golfing trips, flying lessons, or a fancy fishing boat. Why is adult activity viewed so differently?
When faced with a relationship challenge, you have 3 choices in how you react emotionally: negative, neutral, or positive. You could rightfully leave him, or you could do nothing except admonish him for his risky behavior. Instead, by choosing positivity, you are opening a door to new joy within your partnership. Your attitude is commendable. You are being the bigger person and modeling the behavior you wish him to exhibit. In your future mistakes, you’ll hopefully receive the same grace.
Why a financial fetish? Power. Financial servitude is a form of power exchange akin to more mainstream domination and submission, but specific to one form of surrender. In Western societies, men are often measured by status and how much they can provide, so this fetish is directly linked to his masculinity and his ability to be useful.
To tap into his kink going forward, you need to understand the mindset. He wants to spoil you. For your birthday, use his card to get what you really want, then tell him what he got you. Even if you got it on sale, you could tell him you waited for it to come off sale to make it harder for him and press his buttons. Have a decadent spa treatment while he pays and waits for you. Order him to take you shoe shopping and carry the boxes; even if he doesn’t have a foot fetish, it’s about the experience.
Don’t overthink it too much or make every role play a high stakes situation. Keep it light and low pressure, especially in the beginning. There are lines between fantasy and reality, and you want this new dynamic to be fiscally sustainable for you both.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
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