Julia Kate Mitchell is a life coach, educator and founder of Autistic Alignment based in Vancouver. She’s also one of the interviewers on CBC’s The Assembly, where neurodivergent people pose questions to celebrities. She asked Maitreyi Ramakrishnan if she loves herself, and Jann Arden about her sobriety journey. Mitchell loves fashion, but says presenting traditionally feminine is a lot of work for her as a person on the spectrum. She shares how that manifests for her, from body language to getting her nails done.
On clothing and comfort
“We all have highs and lows, but as a person on the spectrum it’s more challenging because you’ve got to incorporate sensory environments. At school, I never liked to wear the polyester school shirts. I was always getting in trouble and being seen as rebellious for wearing my nice, soft gym T-shirt. It made me very sad, because I don’t think I’m naturally a rebellious person.
Growing up, my mom would tell me to be more ‘feminine,’ and I would have quite strong responses to that. My ideal outfit is tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie with heels, or trainers and a blazer. It feels like my power suit. I like the softness of the material, but also it has this sportiness. I always loved sports at school, and I think I naturally get along with sporty people. I feel like I can be confident in soft outfits where my directness is appreciated. And in my heels, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I like being on my tippy-toes. It makes me feel like a boss babe!
I’ve also always really wanted to wear a big, puffy Cinderella dress. Like a wedding dress, but blush pink and with some sparkles on it. I feel like it would be reclaiming autistic femininity. Traditionally, the pink, fluffy dresses were for the more soft-spoken people. But when I’d be in it, I’d be like the autistic princess, the person I wanted to see when I was younger.”
On makeup and beauty icons
“Growing up, I loved Bratz dolls. I used to love lining up my dolls, their T-shirts, their skirts. Their feet popped off so you’d have those in a different collection.
When I was about 10, I had a Bratz doll party where we all went to get our makeup done. But on the day, I remember feeling very overwhelmed. I was very excited to have the opportunity to get my makeup done, but I was also worried about being difficult. I don’t really like it when people touch their fingers on my skin. I didn’t want it to be ‘too much.’ I wanted the makeup to be natural, because sometimes when people do it in a way that I don’t expect, when I see my reflection, it can feel like a bit of a shock.
[As an adult] I don’t really wear that much makeup, but I enjoy putting it on. I couldn’t wait to be the girl who had a car, and would put her lipstick on in the mirror at traffic lights. It’s so glamorous. The first time that I did that, I was like, ‘Yes!’ I felt so powerful. It felt super-feminine, and when I did it, I felt like I was really claiming that.
Christine McGuinness is one of my beauty and style icons. She’s autistic, she’s a model, she’s a mum and she’s an advocate. She’s really glamorous, and she posts really positive, uplifting things. She’s also like a Bratz doll!”
On the importance of nails
“Getting my nails done is very important to me, because growing up I would chew my fingers until they were bleeding, which is very common with women on the spectrum. But when I get my nails done, it stops me from chewing them. Lipgloss stops me from biting my lips, too. I used to chew them, and sometimes I would wake up and my lips would be stuck together.
But I have a love-hate relationship with getting my nails done. I love the glamour, but I don’t like doing it. Typically, nail salons are quite brightly lit and there are clank-y sounds, like the dentist putting tools in a metal tray. Depending on where I’m at in my cycle I can be more sensitive to light and sounds, and if I have autistic burnout it can be more intense.”
On the right walk, the right body language
“You’ve got to have the walk, which I would practice in my room. You don’t want to be too strut-y, but you want to walk confident, because if you don’t walk confident, people take advantage of you. But not too confident that people feel intimidated by you. And then there’s how to hold your shoulders. So, that’s a lot to think of when you walk down the street.
I like skipping, but people might laugh at you if you do that, which isn’t always fair. I wish they would have skipping clubs, actually, because everyone would feel a lot more joyful if we would skip places.
And you’ve got to have your body language. In certain contexts, you want to have an open posture so you’re welcoming people, and not a closed off one so people think you’re not open to conversation. Then there are facial expressions. Sometimes, I would repeat things like ‘I am loved, I am loved’ or think about Bernese Mountain Dogs to make sure my expression was on point in the moment.
Sometimes, you don’t have the capacity to do these things at all. You get sick of performing, and that’s totally valid. It’s hard doing all of these things. It’s draining.”
On modelling aspirations
“Growing up, I really wanted to be a model, and for one birthday I asked my mum to get me a photoshoot. The picture of me swinging my bag around, listening to my iPod, is still in the house. Some people laughed at me for it, but my mum says it was iconic. It made me feel like I could express myself through my clothes.
Sometimes, I push myself into a box to be socially acceptable. But in modelling, I would feel like I could express myself, and my expressions could be more eccentric. I want to be out there and expressive!”
On social interaction
“A little girl on the spectrum is trying in ways that most people will take for granted. Something you can do to make her feel proud is to think about what she values. If she likes makeup, talk about makeup with her. If she likes bugs, learn about bugs from her or tell her a bug fact. When people communicate with us through our interests, it makes the small talk easier because it feels two-way.
When I was younger, I was a tomboy. I liked collecting plastic bugs, and I had a ‘Don’t bug me’ T-shirt with bugs that glowed in the dark. It was my favourite top, and I still have it.
There are minimal social expectations up until the age of seven, but the social expectations after that became unmanageable. I cracked. Socializing felt unattainable, and this is very common.
When I was in school, when I didn’t know what to do, my mum said to me, ‘Just smile and be yourself.’ I would spend the whole day smiling, and my cheeks would hurt, and I’d go home and be angry at her. The teachers would say I was the smiliest girl in school, and I’d say, ‘Yeah, I know. You told me to be.’ We’re very literal thinkers.”
On making a good impression
“One time, a woman who had met me a few times said, ‘When I first met you I thought you were such a bitch, but you’re actually a really nice person.’ I remember thinking, how did you form that impression of me when you didn’t know me? But studies have shown that society favours autistic people less on first impression.
Sometimes, the more you read about autism and the ways you might be socially perceived makes you feel so much more social pressure. You’re like, ‘Wow, I’m going to be perceived negatively all the time.’ If we want to include more autistic people, we have to be willing to deconstruct our idea of what typical communication is. For example, lack of eye contact doesn’t signal disinterest. It allows me to focus more on what I’m saying.
I can be quite direct. Before I learned I was autistic, I would go through all the words that were direct, and try to make them more soft. Instead of ‘definitely’ or ‘certainly,’ I would say things like, ‘possibly’ or ‘maybe.’ It was just so much work, which is why I’m trying to be more gentle with myself.
It’s not about trying to be a certain person. It’s noticing that in certain groups, I have felt left out. It could be a work context, where maybe you don’t know the people, that’s where the pressure feels stronger.”
On self-love
“I have a self-love jar, where I put in the different things that I love about myself, or that I love. One of the things I love about myself is my playful energy. Another is my eyebrows. I normally get them threaded or waxed, or sometimes I leave them big and bushy. I like them in all ways, to be honest.
Sometimes, femininity feels unattainable. Sometimes I get imposter syndrome. I struggle with my mental health like a lot of women on the spectrum. I get anxious and depressed.
I want people to know that in the right environment, autistic people can thrive. Sometimes, I find that people don’t listen to an autistic person because it might not make sense. Often, autistic people know the things that we need for support, but the people around us are sometimes hesitant because it’s not always what’s socially accepted. Just trust that person.
What I would like to say, especially to women on the spectrum, is: You are doing your best. I see you. And you be authentically you, no matter what that is. I want them to know they’re amazing.”