Forget infidelity or children, money is the number one thing that couples in the UK disagree about, with some three in five (62%) admitting to arguing about it. The most common complaint? “Spending too much”. Worryingly, research shows that a third of couples believe they’re “incompatible” with their partner when it comes to spending and saving, with a third admitting to keeping financial secrets from their other half. Yet despite these tensions, recent Barclays research reveals that 57% of adults believe that having a partner makes someone more financially secure.
Money can be one of the most emotive topics in relationships, says Kirsty Adams, consumer finance expert at Barclays. “Money isn’t just about transactions, it’s tied to identity, security and aspirations,” she says. “It can represent independence, success and even self-worth. It’s no wonder then that conversations about finances can often feel deeply personal and exposing, even for those in long-term, secure relationships.”
For many of us, that can stem from a lack of money confidence, she says. “When people aren’t sure about their own finances or how to talk about them, it can balloon the subject into something you feel afraid to confront.” In other words, avoiding the conversation becomes a way of protecting the relationship. “Issues can then be exacerbated further if your financial circumstances don’t match what you look for in a partner,” she explains. “For example, Barclays research found that 30% of UK adults say having no savings is a relationship ‘red flag’, yet 22% admit to having none.”
‘We talk about money a lot’
For some couples, talking about money comes easier than for others. Accountant Mahmood from Leicester is the owner and director of an accountancy firm and his wife Serena works for the company, too. “My wife and I are generally very transparent with money – when we first married 24 years ago, financial openness, fairness and privacy were very important to us both,” says Mahmood. “Years later, our approach is still similar – we both really enjoy saving and spending, though we’re not big materialists and neither of us likes being in debt or being beholden to others.”
While the pair share a similar approach and talk through their finances regularly – from day-to-day spending to bigger financial goals and plans – they both maintain individual bank accounts, which the pair view positively. “We set up a joint account years ago when we were saving for our wedding, but now we tend to use our own separate bank accounts to manage our own individual earnings and savings. It means we spend our own money as we choose, splitting bills between us equally,” explains Mahmood.
“We try not to get too stressed over money but talk about it informally a lot, to ensure there’s a sense of balance and fairness in the way we manage our money,” he says. Even the contentious issue of lending each other money hasn’t caused problems for them. “While lending money can be a no go, I lent Serena £8,000 four years ago to buy a Mini, shortly after passing her driving test (she was reluctant to borrow money, but I persuaded her). Although I wasn’t that fussed about getting it back, she paid it all back as agreed and it didn’t cause any problems.”
Impressively, the pair say they’re yet to argue about spending or how their finances are structured at all. “I think the work we do means we’ve both seen that money is one of, if not the biggest contributor to relationship problems,” says Mahmood. “I understand why people don’t have open conversations about money, but talking about money in the right way is healthy, sensible and saves serious headaches later down the line.”
All quiet on the financial front
For others, discussions around finances can prove thornier, opening up wider conversations not all of us are ready to have. For Sam from Loughborough, a lack of communication about money led to the breakdown of her marriage. “I only found out about my ex-partner’s debt at the point of buying a house together – no one would give us a mortgage because he had a CCJ [county court judgment],” she says. “When I asked why he hadn’t mentioned it, he said it was none of my business. While the initial dishonesty was troubling, he lied further about the amount (claiming it was £2,000 when it was closer to £30,000). While we stayed together for some time (with my parents acting as guarantors for the mortgage) eventually our different money mindsets broke us apart.”
While avoiding money conversations might feel easier in the moment, that decision can have serious consequences for both the relationship and your financial future, notes Adams. “When issues stay buried, they can surface later as stress or conflict,” she says. “Our research found that more than 50% of UK adults have ended, or would end, a relationship due to a financial disagreement. This highlights the importance of having these discussions sooner rather than later. Couples who tackle this together open themselves up to opportunities to maximise their money – whether that’s securing a better mortgage rate, planning for retirement or simply creating a realistic budget.”
Happily for Sam, she is now in a flourishing relationship, thanks in part to a willingness to discuss money. “I remember my now-husband being very upfront about his financial situation in our first ever phone call, before we even met (we were set up by mutual friends). He’d managed to get himself into significant debt, which he was open about. But he was clear about his plan – he was paying it off each month and was due to be debt-free within 18 months. I found his honesty refreshing and ended up giving him a chance. As my sister said at the time, financial situations can change, but people don’t. His honesty and transparency meant we could tackle the problem together – which we did. We’re now married with a child and although we’ve had ups and downs like any couple, we’ve always looked in the same direction and been open about our concerns.”
For couples at the tricky early stages of navigating financial conversations, Adams has some advice. “When two people bring different financial habits, priorities and expectations to the table, it can feel overwhelming knowing where to begin.” She recommends starting small and building your confidence. Rather than tackling everything at once, begin with one topic together, like monthly spending. “This makes the conversation manageable and less intimidating. From there, focus on shared goals and ratify what you want to achieve together – from saving for a home to planning for a holiday or building a retirement fund. Whatever it is, aligning your priorities will help ensure you keep that common ground front of mind.”
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