I think everyone considers what they put on their bodies to some degree. Getting dressed is the first step we take to prepare for leaving the house. Do these shoes go with this top? Should I wear this outfit again, even though I wore it last week? Is this dress too tight? Can I get away with these jeans even though they have a stain? These are thoughts many of us have in the morning. Clothes are a huge part of how you present yourself to the world. Even those who don’t care about what they wear are making a statement. There’s no avoiding fashion when you have to wear clothes. But for people like me, fashion can effectively serve as an armour from the outside world. When I’m talking about fashion, I’m not talking about what’s trending or on the high-street racks. I mean the fashion choices that each of us makes according to our personal styles.
When I am out in public, people stare. Whether it’s because I’m trans, I’m six foot three, or because I staunchly refuse to wear a bra, I can never really say. This is a fact I accepted a long time ago. It was tough when I was younger and self-conscious. Particularly when I first started attending college in the city centre. This was the time I found myself increasingly interested in my fashion and style in what I now see as a method to cope with my hyper-visibility.
For this reason, I understand why fashion holds a special place for minorities, in particular the queer community. When you’re in a minority, people are constantly forming opinions of you based on their own preconceived ideas. And when you feel like an outlier, or like you can’t control how the world sees you, it makes a lot of sense to focus on what you can control: your image. In other words, if you feel like you’re under a microscope, it’s natural to look at yourself and think, “what do I want to look like to people?”
I’m by no means a psychologist, but perhaps there is a psychological reason behind it. Maybe it’s a method to cope and feel safe. To tell yourself, “well okay, if I wear these bright colours and eye-catching accessories, maybe I’ll be less hurt by people feeling the need to stare at me.” In the case of being queer, it could be because you’ve repeatedly been told how to behave in life or instructed to hide parts of yourself. Through that lens, it’s understandable that fashion would become such an important method of expression.
When I think back to my youth and my obsession with wearing massive hats and colourful berets, it does make me wonder whether I was subconsciously giving people something to look at. So it would feel easier when I noticed someone looking me up and down. I can often struggle to love my past self. This isn’t an uncommon experience, but when you’re trans, it’s inarguably a lot more layered. I find it hard to love that spiky teen who consistently put herself out there with her eccentric fashion choices, who wore things I would now never put on my body or approve of. But I also know that I have no business judging her, because I’m in a very different place than she was. As a skinny, ridiculously tall, androgynous individual, she was ridiculed a lot more than I am. Thankfully, that’s not really the case for me anymore.