I’m not sure anyone in 1997 expected us to still be talking about “Anaconda” nearly thirty years later. The original feature was an adventure horror film with Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, and Owen Wilson making up its cast. Certainly to my surprise, the film became a cult classic, spawning three sequels and a wacky 2015 crossover with “Lake Placid”.
And now here we are with a new film, also titled “Anaconda”. This one is an action comedy that can be best described as a meta reboot of the original 1997 film. Director Tom Gormican (who also co-wrote the script with Kevin Etten) attempts to tap into the nostalgia that some people apparently have for “Anaconda”. But he does so through a movie that lacks the laughs necessary for good comedy and the thrills you look for in good action.
Growing up as best buddies in Buffalo, Griff (Paul Rudd) and Doug (Jack Black) dreamed of making movies together. When they got older, Griff moved to California to pursue acting, but his career never took off. Doug stayed behind where he ended up getting a job making wedding videos. Neither are happy with how their lives have turned out. But that has a chance to change when Griff shows up back in Buffalo with an outrageous idea.
Griff informs Doug and their childhood friends Claire (Thandiwe Newton) and Kenny (Steve Zahn) that he has acquired the rights to their favorite movie, “Anaconda”. Even more, it has inspired him to reboot the 1997 film with him starring, Doug directing, Claire co-starring and securing funding, and Kenny shooting it. It takes some convincing, but his friends eventually get onboard. And after Doug pens the script, the four head off to the Amazon rainforest.
Once in Brazil, our filmmaking foursome meet their eccentric snake handler, Santiago (Selton Mello) who accompanies them into the jungle to begin shooting. But things come to a halt after Griff panics and accidentally kills Santiago’s snake. While searching the jungle for a replacement, the group is suddenly attacked by an enormous anaconda, putting them in the same predicament as the characters in the movie they’re rebooting.
The sheer absurdity of it all isn’t really an issue, mainly due to the film’s obvious self-awareness. Instead the problems lie in the half-baked storytelling which is sloppy at best and incoherent at worst. The script takes numerous shortcuts leading to moments that make no sense at all. Adding to the messiness is an entire side story(ish) about a young woman named Ana (Daniela Melchior) on the run from some illegal gold miners. You could cut it out entirely and the movie wouldn’t be impacted at all.
But worse than anything else is sitting through a “comedy” that is woefully unfunny. It tries really hard, but its attempts generated mostly silence rather than laughter at the screening I attended. We do get the occasionally amusing inside gag that’s having fun at Hollywood’s expense. But too much of the humor never registers, often ranging from bland parody to more embarrassingly juvenile bits.
As for the stars, Rudd is dealt an especially shallow hand. Black does his usual thing but to no avail. Zahn’s character is nothing more than a pill-popping moron. And Newton feels like a tag-along who’s given nothing to do. Together, the cast’s efforts can’t save a movie that runs out of gas early before having to be dragged across the finish line. Even needle-drops from Credence Clearwater Revival, Motley Crue, and AC/DC feel weird and out of place in this unfortunate misfire.
