When Harriet Smith and her partner, Scott, married in 2017, they pooled their finances in a joint account, thinking this was “just what people did”.
The pair had met on a dating app four months earlier — their first date was on Christmas Eve — and had got married on an impulse when Harriet, now 35, was offered a job in Miami.
They intended to move together, but the job offer fell through so they remained in Wiltshire, where Harriet had moved after university. While they settled into married life smoothly, the joint account became a source of contention. The bickering became so frequent they were forced into a “financial break-up” two years later — a decision they say saved their marriage.
Harriet has always earned more than Scott, 37. She makes roughly £60,000 a year in digital marketing compared with his £40,000 as a golf clubhouse manager, which she attributes to her steady career path since university compared with Scott’s more gradual progression.
She managed the money and kept a close eye on the bills and payments leaving their account, while Scott had a more “laid-back” approach. Harriet said: “My need for control and planning means his ad hoc purchases and attitude to finances caused me stress as I had to keep an eye on the cashflow.
“It would be silly things, like a coffee from Costa or buying a sandwich and a packet of crisps from M&S, but it would stress me out because I felt like I didn’t have control.”
Meanwhile, Scott would “quite rightly be a bit offended” when Harriet pulled him up on his purchases. “He would say, well, you went to Boots the other day. It became a bone of contention between us. He felt like I could do whatever I wanted because I knew the ins and outs of the accounts, but he couldn’t buy a sandwich. It led to an underlying feeling of resentment.”
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When children came along, the financial pressure grew; their daughter, Emmie, was born in 2018 and they had a son 2021.
But the pressure increased again with a surprise third pregnancy — their second son was born in 2024. During maternity leave Harriet’s salary dropped from more than £3,000 a month to £700. It left a significant shortfall that Scott’s salary couldn’t cover.
Breaking point
It was during this time that they racked up £42,000 of debt. This included £30,000 borrowed from family for a house deposit in 2023, and a private ADHD assessment and medication for their daughter — something they said they would “do again in a heartbeat” to beat the NHS waiting list.
They cut back on their expenses in other areas and were helped by the fact that their daughter qualified for disability living allowance as a result of her ADHD diagnosis.
But matters reached breaking point when Harriet found herself getting frustrated with Scott asking her for money to go out with his friends.
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She said: “It would feel like I was a parent giving him pocket money. He said to me, ‘I want to go to the pub with the boys on Friday,’ and I said, ‘Well, we don’t have this amount of money in terms of cashflow before next week that we can take out for that.’ He said to me, ‘This isn’t working. I work hard, you work hard, and it feels like I can’t buy anything, I never have any money.’”
After two years of constant bickering they began their financial break-up and stopped putting their salaries into the joint account.
Harriet and Scott now use a hybrid model: she contributes £1,900 a month and he £1,300 to cover their £1,526 mortgage and other bills, which include childcare.
The couple also pay child benefit and their daughter’s disability living allowance into different savings pots with their bank, as well as contributing towards shared savings goals.
Any extra money (Harriet has a second income stream) or work bonuses are theirs to spend as they wish, although each will often share extra money with each other.
Their agreement also gives them space to account for bills to fluctuate, and they will help each other out with unforeseen expenses like car maintenance. Harriet said: “By doing it that way, it means we both have something at the end of the month, and what he spends that on is none of my business.”
“Him buying a coffee or a packet of crisps would stress me out because I felt like I didn’t have control”: Harriet reflects on the cause of money problems with her husband Scott
ADRIAN SHERRATT FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES
Honest conversations
Data from MoneySuperMarket shows that 73 per cent of couples are opting against opening a traditional single bank account in favour of an arrangement like the Smiths’. Separate figures from the digital wealth manager Moneyfarm found 44 per cent of under-30s in long-term relationships think joint accounts are outdated. About a third said they have no intention of ever opening one.
Harriet said: “I think unless you have honest and open conversations within a relationship, you’re in a really tricky situation, especially when it comes to finances.”
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About four in ten couples feel their household finances are not divided equally, according to MoneySuperMarket. But almost a quarter find it too awkward to start a conversation about money.
But Harriet says doing so “transformed” her marriage. Once they had split their money, friction about their spending disappeared.
She wished the couple had been told there might be another way to budget beyond just pooling their money in a joint account, and they are now starting to have conversations with their children about personal finance.
Harriet is working a second job to pay down the debt, which is in her name. If Scott had extra money each month to help her pay it down, she insists he would do so.
“I earn considerably more than Scott does, and I work from home,” Harriet said. “He doesn’t work from home, so I have more flexibility. He’s also a fantastic husband and dad, and will move heaven and earth to support us as a family. People’s contributions aren’t just financial.” Her goal is to have the family fully debt-free by 2028.