I’ve seen thousands of horror movies. The best work because, as the viewer, I can put myself in the plot right next to the characters and feel like I’m with them. That realism only increases the fear and has me wondering what I’d do if I were in the same situation. In Dawn of the Dead, how would I lock down the mall and take out the zombies? What’s the way out if I’m lost in the woods of Maryland in The Blair Witch Project? How could I possibly escape the cult in Midsommar? Sometimes, there is no answer, and no matter what, I’m a goner. Still, there are those movies that I love yet know I could make it safely through. Sorry to the monsters in these classics, but I could totally escape from you.
1
‘It Follows’ (2014)
It Follows is my favorite horror movie of the 21st century. David Robert Mitchell‘s masterpiece has such an intriguing premise: Jay (Maika Monroe) is being stalked by an entity passed down through sex that will not stop slowly walking toward her until it catches and kills its target. The only way to stop it is to pass the curse on to someone else through sex and hope they don’t die.
The easiest way to survive It Follows is to simply not knock boots with anyone. Keep it in your pants, and you’re good. Still, even if I gave in to temptation, I think I’d be all right. That entity is slow as hell. Get in your car and drive as fast as you can for a few hours every day or two, and you’ll always be ahead of it. Even better, if I got on an airplane and flew to the other side of the country, I could buy myself weeks of peace. Best of all, get across the ocean to another country. It follows, but can it swim? Doubt it.
2
‘Signs’ (2002)
Signs is a great alien invasion flick with a deeper message about grief and faith. Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Abigail Breslin, and Rory Culkin all kill it. Signs is a creepy movie with one of the best jump scares of all time. It’s also where M. Night Shyamalan started to overthink it with the twists. As it turns out, these aliens are deathly allergic to water. So why in the hell did they invade a planet that is three-quarters liquid?!
If I were out in the middle of a cornfield, one-on-one with an alien, I might be in trouble. They’re human-sized and don’t seem to have super strength (a bat can defeat them), but it’s iffy on whether I could take them in a fight. The best way to survive is to get on a boat. You’ll live just fine there as long as you have enough supplies. I don’t even really need that, though. I can hang out at home with a garden hose or sit by the kitchen sink with a gallon of water. Come and get some!
3
‘Child’s Play’ (1988)
Child’s Play is the first horror movie I ever saw. Chucky is scary as hell. The phenomenal practical effects made it look like the Good Guy doll had come to life, and Brad Dourif’s voice added a sinister element that other actors couldn’t achieve so easily. Most of the time, Chucky is trying to kill little Andy Barclay (Alex Vincent), but I have to suspend disbelief whenever he battles an adult.
If I ran into Chucky, I’d be scared half to death. A doll coming to life is going to freak me out, no matter what. Still, I could take that pint-sized creep. He’s not even two feet tall and made of plastic. There are so many options to make it out of Child’s Play alive. I could get in my car and drive away, or if I chose to go one-on-one, just wrap the dude up in a blanket, break out a baseball bat or a chainsaw, and go to town. If all else fails, fight him straight up. He’s a doll! How strong can he be?
4
‘The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’ (1974)
Tobe Hooper‘s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is considered among the best and scariest horror movies ever made. Hooper created a tense and dirty film so raw that it feels like a documentary. The viewer is right there with Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) as she screams her lungs out for an hour in a non-stop chase scene. Chainsaw-wielding Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) and his cannibalistic family are on her heels to the very end.
I’m not cocky enough to say that I could take Leatherface in a simple fight. Chances are, I’m ending up on the hook. But these idiot victims bring their doom on themselves. For starters, never pick up creepy-looking hitchhikers on the side of the road. And most obvious of all, never stop at strange houses and walk right in! If I’m ever in the Texas back country, I’m having a tank full of gas in my car, pedal to the floor, and minding my own damn business.
5
‘Barbarian’ (2022)
Zach Cregger‘s Barbarian had the perfect marketing campaign. A woman, Tess (Georgina Campbell), is staying in a house with a stranger named Keith (Bill Skarsgård), and there’s something creepy in the basement. Is Keith the villain, or does something more evil lurk in the darkness? As it turns out, there is a creature with super strength downstairs, but I’m not staying around to find out.
Barbarian is one of those movies that has you shouting at the screen. If I show up at an Airbnb at night and someone else is there, I’m gone. And if I’m dumb enough to stay, then find what looks like a torture dungeon in the basement, see ya! I’m not waiting around for this person I just met to check things out first. They’re on their own. I’m not dying over their stupidity.
6
‘Night of the Living Dead’ (1968)
George A. Romero‘s Night of the Living Dead is the first modern zombie film. It created the rules, with the dead rising from their graves and shambling towards the living because of their need to eat human flesh. Burn them or put a bullet in their head, and the ghouls are toast, but with so many zombies out there, a group of survivors boards themselves up inside an abandoned farmhouse.
The group spends so much of the movie boarding themselves in when the best hope for survival is right there. Ben (Duane Jones) survives the night (the morning is a different story) by locking himself in the cellar where the monsters can’t get in. If you don’t have a cellar, look for somewhere that has an upstairs. I would have gone to the second floor of the house, taken out the stairs behind me, and waited for rescue. Zombies can’t climb.
7
‘Halloween’ (1978)
Halloween is my all-time favorite movie. Michael Myers (Nick Castle), a silent shape in a white mask, is the epitome of terror. He has just escaped from a mental hospital and now wants to recreate the night he killed his sister 15 years ago. He picks poor Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) and her friends as the ones who will help make it happen.
I could survive Halloween by staying out of Haddonfield. That’s his home. And if I did live there, I’m taking a trip somewhere else on Halloween. Don’t befriend Laurie Strode either. Sorry, girl, you’re on your own. I’m not getting pulled into that drama. If, for whatever reason, Michael set his sights on me, I would jog away. The dude takes his sweet time. I’m wouldn’t.
8
‘Friday the 13th’ (1980)
Because I can only choose one movie, we’ll go with the original Friday the 13th, but this could apply to just about any movie in the Friday the 13th franchise, unless you’re stuck with Jason Voorhees in space in Jason X. I’m not getting off of that spaceship in one piece. The first film is about Pamela Voorhees (Betsy Palmer) killing a bunch of counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, with every sequel about her son, Jason, getting revenge.
Do not go to Camp Crystal Lake. Ever. There is literally a mass murder there every year. Screw it, I don’t want to be a counselor, and I don’t want to help kids. If I were a teenager, I would find a different summer job far away from that place. Mrs. Voorhees is an old woman, so I think I could take her. Jason can teleport, though, and nothing takes him down. Rather than risk it, I’m letting Jason have Crystal Lake. It’s all yours, buddy.
9
‘The Birds’ (1963)
Alfred Hitchcock‘s The Birds is like a zombie movie with thousands of birds of every variety. For whatever reason, something triggers all of them to become rage-filled little monsters who want nothing more than to peck people to death. The movie is filled with plenty of tension, and Tippi Hedrin and Rod Taylor are icons, but they go through so much when they didn’t need to.
I could survive The Birds because, well, they’re birds. If I see a flock of them swarm someone, I’m out of there. Just get in my car and drive away. And if there’s no car available, I find a shelter with no windows, or an interior room of a house, barricade the door, and wait it out.
10
‘Jaws’ (1975)
Jaws is the first-ever summer blockbuster and the movie that put Steven Spielberg on the map as the most successful director of our time. John Williams‘ score is terrifying and adds so much to this story about a killer great white shark who shows up in Amity and starts chomping down on the residents over the Fourth of July weekend. It’s up to three men to stop the attacks, but they shouldn’t have to.
Jaws is the easiest horror movie to survive. Stay out of the water. That’s it. If you don’t listen and have to swim in the ocean so badly, it’s on you what happens next. I’ll just hang out on the island. I could even sit on the beach if I wanted, or wade out a few feet and be fine. While others are being ripped in half in the ocean, I have no fear.