Bravo Fashion Roundup: ‘The Real Housewives of Rhode Island’

Six Italian-American Lisa Barlow’s walk into a yacht club in Rhode Island. They’re filming The Real Housewives of Rhode Island and they’re screaming about polygamy and running over women in their cars. I’m in the corner filming them on my phone, tears silently rolling down my cheeks as I hold back laughter. This is the best day of my life.

The long-awaited newborn of The Real Housewives universe has finally arrived on Bravo. It is the first new The Real Housewives installment in the mainline franchise (barring international seasons) since the ill-fated The Real Housewives of Dubai. Unlike its short-lived predecessor, its cast is off to the strongest start we’ve seen with The Real Housewives since Salt Lake City put Mormonism on the map six years ago. (And smelling like hospital.)

From the opening moments on the show, we’re introduced to an eclectic mix of eccentric small-town Italian-Americans, so deeply rooted in tradition and New England accents that they feel pulled from another America entirely. Breaching an insular world foreign to most viewers is partly the magic that made The Real Housewives of New Jersey such a sensation back in the day, like Salt Lake City. Their lives are totally unknown to us, and for what it’s worth, our lives seem totally foreign to them as well.

Should anyone remain unconvinced, here’s a list of things that happens in the opening episodes. A woman drives a speedboat to her favorite restaurant in Prada combat boots with the matching Prada anklet (and a hooded vest. A second woman sees a strangers husband cheating on her over on Instagram and posts about it to her local small-town Facebook community. A third woman discusses her open relationship with a man who has a second girlfriend half the time in Miami; she lives in his palatial estate by herself for the majority of the year and is probably cheating on him too. A fourth woman casually mentions she ran over a woman. A fifth woman was the first openly virgin Bachelorette star. There’s other women too, and they all look exactly like the other.

I’ve never seen anything like it.

The fashions are, like their personalities, completely extreme. We have that aforementioned Prada set and ostrich feathers and sequins and more clip on ponytails than the RuPaul’s Drag Race cast would know what to do with. Shall we peruse them below?

Liz McGraw is the queen of Rhode Island. She’s both the literal queen of Rhode Island and also the marijuana queen of Rhode Island, boasting one of the first dispensaries in the state, if I have my information correct. She also dresses like a queen, and looks exactly like her queen bestie Dolores Catania from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

All in, I’ve never met a woman like Liz here, which gives me profound sadness, because she’s the only woman I think I want to know from now on. She’s hot and dresses like it, two things that work well to endear me to a new Housewife. I love this I Dream of Jeannie drag she has on in the confessional booth. I do not love this wide-sleeved, jacquard something or other she has on in the second confessional booth. Thankfully, I don’t care, because at least the lady is dressing.

Later in the premiere, she drove a speed board in a hooded sleeveless vest with mirrored Watersport shades and a full Prada set. I was legitimately gagged. Again, I’ve never seen anything like this woman. Has anyone?

For the premiere’s Fourth of July party, she dressed like Syrian Carrie Bradshaw in that episode where she sees Big is back and with Natasha. I love this outfit, both for her commitment to vests and ponytails and also for how low this skirt sits. The Hermes-adjacent scarf through the braid is, similarly, a nice touch!

Alicia has a big Italian family and also ran over a woman. She likes to take Fig Newtons with her on the road, because they’re healthy, and speaks with the same voice as Little Edie. She’s probably a future mother too, even if her wardrobe hasn’t quite caught up to the likes of Liz. For what it’s worth though, I appreciate that she can at least pile it on and put it on. Her cast mates haven’t quite grasped those skills!

In the future, though, don’t go white for undergarments. We can see them through the red corset! Go red or layer it with a sleeveless nude shift.

Has anyone ever seen PAPER’s executive creative producer Angelina Cantú? Jo-Ellen looks like he evil, Italian version of our queen. I sent this to her and she gagged, as did I when Jo-Ellen popped up onscreen. She’s the definitive villain of the first half of the season, and seems to be revealing in it. We commend her for the commitment, but I do hope she leans away from this diva curls and off-the-rack dresses from Saks.

Rulla is an interesting character on this show. Her fashions feel pulled right from Orange County but her personality is distinctly east coast. She loves her marriage to a fault — notice I didn’t say husband — and loves bold jewel tones. All in, the first look is better than the second, even with the visible faux-boning in the corset. When does that trend die? I’ve been looking at it since the 2010s!

Rosie was a newscaster in a previous life, and now she dresses like a newscaster in a Ryan Murphy show about newscasters that are evil. The ostrich feathers are dreadful; they are about as dreadful as the petal cut in the pink outfit. Both outfits are baffling, but then I zoom out, and remember she stepped out the Ryan Murphy School of Evil Newscaster dressing. In that department, she’s the very best we’ve ever seen.

Kelsey is a pageant queen with two boyfriends and a mansion. Despite the fact these women all look alike, it helps that Kelsey also looks like a pageant queen with two boyfriend. Despite the riches of one of them, and his mansion, it doesn’t seem she’s balling out on his dime, at least where her clothing is concerned. I’ll be interested to see how that evolves during her time on the show, and as that relationship disappears into the rearview!

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal

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