Congrats, it’s over. You can open your eyes now.
You survived another Miami Dolphins season.
You didn’t even need to watch their 38-10 loss at the New England Patriots, because you’ve seen the movie so many times through the years you have the ending memorized:
On one sideline the New England celebrated their 14-win season, celebrated their winning coach-quarterback combo and really celebrated the coming home playoff game.
On the other sideline, the Titanic sunk.
The Dolphins season has been done for weeks — months, really — but this made it official. All the monsters can go away now or just go hiding under the bed where they’ll conveniently be forgotten amid the coming happy talk for the next eight months.
The offseason is here. You made it. Dolphins seasons have been mostly various forms of calamity for most of this millennium. But offseasons have become a fascinating haven of rebuilt hope and optimism and belief good things will happen again.
Everyone could use some hope, too, after the worst Dolphins season since … um … since ever? Could there have been a worse one than this? Maybe that 1-15 season in 2008? That was so bad then-owner H. Wayne Huizenga cried when they finally won a game.
That season had no lingering issues, though. The odor of this season won’t leave so easily. So, if not the worst, then this is the most damaging season in Dolphins history. Consider:
1. The quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, who you gave a four-year, $212 million contract shrunk right before your eyes to the point he was benched, forgotten and would be an afterthought moving forward except he’s owned a NFL-record $99 million coming up.
2. The 2020 and 2021 drafts will probably have one survivor after this offseason. Those are the drafts the Dolphins tanked for in 2019 to get five, first-round and four, second-round picks Receiver Jaylen Waddle looks like the lone survivor. Tua won’t be back. The other Dolphin holdover from those drafts, tackle Austin Jackson, might be too injured to carry his medium-sized contract. Any questions why general manager Chris Grier was fired?
3. The coach, Mike McDaniel, proved a creative play-drawer, but dug an 0-3 hole in the season’s opening 12 days and beat just one winning team, Buffalo. What will owner Steve Ross do with him?
4. The Patriots have passed the Dolphins by again in the AFC East.
That last one sums up the state of the Dolphins. Five years ago, the Patriots dynasty was six feet under after quarterback Tom Brady left and coach Bill Belichick had no answers.
There was some we-warned-you gloating from Dolphins fans suffering since Dan Marino retired as the Patriots had consecutive, four-win seasons without Brady. Throw in Patriots owner Bob Kraft’s moaning and Belichick’s North Carolina adventure and at least you could enjoy their suffering for the next decade, right? Pass the popcorn.
Then quarterback Drake Maye came two drafts ago. And coach Mike Vrabel was hired last offseason. Suddenly, the Dolphins aren’t just looking up at Buffalo and Josh Allen for the next decade. Suddenly, it’s the rebuilt Patriots.
What, they had five years wandering the wilderness?
Maye might be the NFL’s Most Valuable Player in his second season. He completed a pedestrian 14-of-18 passes for 191 yards and a touchdown Sunday. He also ran for 44 yards, which might not seem much but is more than Tagovailoa ran for the past three seasons.
The Dolphins ran seventh-round pick Quinn Ewers out there Sunday without De’Von Achane or Waddle and asked him to carry the banner of tomorrow. It’s not his fault he looked like a seventh-round rookie.
If you were looking for some good news Sunday, you couldn’t even look at the Dolphins’ draft order. They didn’t improve from their 11th spot in a way that make you wonder what’s at work.
Kansas City lost on a last-second, 60-yard field goal to Las Vegas and stayed in the 10th spot. Cincinnati lost on a similarly, last-second 49-yard field to Cleveland and stay ahead of the Dolphins, too.
Why can’t a drop of good fortune come your way?
At least you can exhale after Sunday’s ugly loss in New England. You did it. You officially made it through another awful Dolphins season.