Finding midlife joy in fashion: how dopamine dressing changed my life

It’s a tale as old as time: Happy and outgoing woman hits perimenopause and becomes a shell of her former self. For me, it happened oh-so-gradually which meant it took me ages to even recognise what was going on. 

At age 45, with five-year-old twins and a teenage daughter, I was in the thick of it as a mum. If I wasn’t dealing with tantrums (from them and me), I was navigating whether my 13-year-old should be allowed to use TikTok.

Having spent a couple of years trying to get my HRT dose right, I finally felt on a bit of an even hormonal keel. But still, something didn’t feel right. Despite having a job I loved, I regularly felt so stressed and overwhelmed, I could be found crying in the loos. 

My body had changed dramatically and my clothing size had crept up to a size 20. I didn’t have a problem with that but it meant I couldn’t fit into most of my wardrobe. My solution? Buying a few pairs of cheap black leggings from Amazon and a selection of big, baggy grey sweatshirts from Primark.

Looking back, I just wanted to blend in and fade into the background. My confidence was rock-bottom and I didn’t have the headspace to claw my way back to feeling like myself again.

It was over a cuppa with my friend Emily that I realised I could do something about it. Having worked together on a women’s magazine 15 years earlier, we’d both moved into blogging and posting on Instagram – her talking about interiors, me about motherhood.

So there we were, having a social media strategy brainstorm (eating Pom Bears and talking about how lost we both felt on Instagram) when Emily said something which would change everything.

“You’re saying you used to love posting on Instagram about your outfits, but that you’ve lost the confidence to do it… why don’t you post about that?” She pointed out that there must be loads of other women who – like me – had hit perimenopause and suffered a serious confidence dip.

I went home and immediately rummaged through my wardrobe, looking for anything brightly coloured, patterned or sparkly. If I was going to post on Instagram about my lack of confidence then maybe – just maybe – I could try to drag myself out of this leggings-wearing-pit-of-despair.

My first Instagram post about losing my confidence reached 120,000 people. Hundreds of women commented, many telling me they felt the same. “I hear you”, “I can totally relate”, “I’ve totally lost myself too,” came the replies. My next post, about shopping my own wardrobe to boost my confidence, reached another 170,000 people. It was clear that there are a huge number of women feeling lost after having kids, hitting perimenopause/menopause, our bodies changing and our confidence plummeting. 

I challenged myself to ditch the leggings and sweatshirts and instead, create outfits with colour, textures and prints. I wore a sequin top under black dungarees on the school run. I layered a striped polo neck under a floral dress. I went into shops and tried on things that scared me.

After a few months of pushing myself out of my clothing comfort zone, I had a realisation. The strangest thing had happened. I was starting to feel more confident. Wearing colourful, happy clothes was actually making me feel happier. Of course, I’d heard of ‘dopamine dressing’ before – the act of wearing colours and textures that deliberately boost your mood – but here it was in action.

The more my confidence grew, the braver I got. I bought a pink coat and wore it with leopard print jeans and red trainers. Walking down the street that day, a woman stopped me to tell me she loved my outfit. I got to the café I was heading to, and the barista told me the same. I felt incredible. My outfits were making me feel great but they were also prompting others to compliment me – it was exactly what my brain needed to be convinced I’m a worthwhile person, deserving of taking up space in the world.

But it wasn’t just me this was helping. As I posted my outfits online, lots of women got in touch to tell me that it was inspiring them. “I bought a pink coat thanks to you!”, “I’d never be brave enough to wear leopard jeans until I saw you wearing yours”, “You have encouraged me to branch out from my uniform of leggings and sweatshirts. I can’t believe how much of a rut I was in.”

Now, 18 months on, I still have confidence wobbles but I feel like a totally different person.

I quickly realised two important aspects of dressing for joy, for me. Firstly, because I’m doing this for me (and no one else), I wear happy outfits every day. Even if I’m just doing the school run and working from home. While it could be tempting to revert back to my old uniform of leggings or joggers on those days, I still reach for the bright colours and cool outfits.

And I don’t worry about how “flattering” an outfit is. While I used to favour looks that made me appear slimmer, now I’d rather feel happy than slim. So I wear that big fluffy pink cardigan that feels like a hug in clothing form, even though Bev on Facebook told me it looks “frumpy”.

The best thing about dressing for joy, though, is that anyone can do it and it doesn’t have to cost you much money. Whether you “shop” your own wardrobe for forgotten gems, raid charity shops or scour Vinted, there are happy clothes waiting to be found and worn. It might just change your life…