I make $80K, my husband $700K, and he’s tired of paying most bills. What does a fair split look like now?
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A lot of couples fight over money or argue over who pays for what, especially in a world where the “man” is no longer the sole “breadwinner.” But what does “fair” really look like in today’s society — and when might a marriage counselor (or divorce) be in order?
Take the hypothetical example of Nick and Katia. Nick works in finance and makes $700,000 a year, while Katia works for the federal government and earns an annual salary of $90,000. They’ve been married for 10 years and have no kids.
Each month, Katia puts $1,100 into a joint account for their fixed expenses — they own a large house and two cars — while Nick contributes $6,500. Nick also picks up any extra bills and entertainment, such as dinners out, and pays for their vacations.
While they have a cleaner who comes by once a week, Katia takes care of all the cooking and daily household chores, such as washing the dishes, grocery shopping and going to the dry cleaners. She even files their taxes.
Still, Nick doesn’t value the work that Katia does around the house and believes she’s not pulling her weight in the marriage because she doesn’t bring in enough money.
Ideally, he wants to split the household costs evenly, even though he makes significantly more money, and consider what is left of their discretionary income. And because he makes more money, Nick likes to exert his control over Katia’s discretionary spending.
Katia would like to discuss their finances and plan for the future, but Nick refuses. Now Katia is wondering if their way of handling finances is normal and what’s fair when it comes to splitting household expenses.
Married couples handle finances differently — and this has been changing over time.
In 2023 (the most recent date for which census data is available), 23% of married couples didn’t share any joint bank accounts (1), which is up from 15% in 1996 (2). The most common setup, accounting for about two in five couples, is to have only a joint account, although this has become less prevalent since the late ’90s.
While the data doesn’t reveal how expenses are handled, 17% of couples approach their finances the way Nick and Katia do — with each spouse maintaining an individual account in addition to having a joint account. This setup has grown in popularity over the past couple of decades [2], including among non-married couples in committed relationships [3].
Many experts agree that the way couples share their money comes down to personal preference. “You’re not going to have an answer that’s going to be the same for each couple about what is fair,” social psychologist Michael Kraus, an associate professor of organizational behavior at Yale University, told CNBC.(3)
That said, plenty of financial advisors recommend couples split household expenses proportionally rather than 50-50. That means splitting expenses according to each person’s income level and other household contributions. This strategy can be revisited each year or when one partner gets a new job or a windfall, such as an inheritance.
Ultimately, any payment structure can be considered fair — so long as both parties are okay with it. The focus isn’t necessarily on equal contributions but what’s equitable considering each partner’s salary and net worth.
The key to moving forward together is ensuring that both partners agree on their financial goals and communicate regularly. Failure to do so can lead to financial infidelity (4) — where couples lie or keep financial secrets from each other — and potentially even contribute to divorce. (5)
Having these conversations can be difficult. To help, Fidelity Viewpoints suggests couples give each other “full disclosure of your finances as early as appropriate in your relationship (including all debts, assets, income and expenses).” (6)
Fidelity also suggests choosing the “time, place and agenda for your money conversations carefully” — not when you’re tired or rushed — and focusing on shared goals.
If one partner, like Nick, isn’t willing to have these conversations, a bigger problem may be at play and the couple may need to seek professional help.
For example, Nick wants Katia to make more money, but he doesn’t seem to care whether she enjoys her current job or whether it comes with good benefits and a pension.
In this case, it appears the couple has a difference in values, not just different money mindsets.
Katia and Nick may want to consider speaking with a financial advisor, who could help them get a view of what’s equitable, how to define their shared goals and how they can work together to reach those shared goals.
When one partner isn’t willing to budge, like Nick, it may be helpful to consult a financial therapist, a certified professional who helps people understand how they feel and behave around money and make changes if necessary.
A financial therapist may be able to facilitate a respectful, open conversation and help the couple come to an agreement as to what is fair.
For this couple, it sounds like there are issues beyond finances, such as Nick’s lack of respect for Katia’s other contributions to the household and his need to dictate how she spends her money, that a financial therapist or even a marriage counselor could help them address.
