I went swing dancing to meet someone. Then I learned the truth about people who date this way.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

Hey Prudence,

Re Wingman Who Doesn’t Know How to Fly: I’ve been swing dancing for many years now, and I’ve found that a lot of people wind up dating within the scene at some point—including me. But I’ve learned the hard truth about people who date this way.

The people who go solely to find a date don’t tend to last long. There’s definitely a big difference between doing an activity that you enjoy while being open to meeting someone, and dragging yourself to something that you aren’t actually interested in to try to pick someone up.

—Jools

Absolutely. Well, usually. I always have to mention that I have a friend who joined a kickball team to meet guys and married one of them.

Hey Prudence,

Re Nervous About Nancy: School is not entirely about academics. The school is staffed by LOTS of people who are there to make sure that students make the best of each year. The letter writer should reach out to the school! Start by emailing the principal with something like, “Nancy lives with me. I need your help. You might not be the right person for this, but could you direct me to someone who can?”

Then share everything you wrote in your letter. These people are trained to make these types of decisions, so you don’t have to.  And if the school makes the call, then your hands are clean. (I’d suggest asking them to keep your communication confidential—your note can help open their eyes to Nancy’s situation.)

Most schools, amazingly, have dealt with other kids in similar or even more difficult circumstances. Counselors may hold “check-in lunches” or run groups for students coping with divorce. They can also help Nancy access evaluations for services like occupational therapy to build healthy routines at home, advocate for parental support, provide easy snacks, and yes, even contact Child Protective Services if needed.

You’re in a position to make a huge difference. Reach out to the school to ask about resources for Nancy’s unofficial placement with you. Ask if you can email someone when she’s having a rough day—maybe they can’t share information back without a formal guardianship, but you can still advocate for her.

Be the auntie she needs, and ask for the help that the school is very capable of giving. Godspeed.

—Elfi

Great advice. 

Hey Prudence,

Re She’s Stuck in the Past: This LW definitely should reschedule their wedding date. Not because of their sister, but because it’s Valentine’s Day! My wife and I got married on February 14, 1989. (It was her idea—my view at the time was “one date is as good as the next.”) The problem with Valentine’s Day, in my experience, is that everything related to romance is jacked up. Good restaurants are crowded and service deteriorates, flowers are more expensive, etc. Valentine’s Day is just not a good day to celebrate an anniversary.

—Alabama_AI

OK, I hear you, and that sounds annoying. I can see an argument for not scheduling a wedding for Valentine’s Day in the first place. But rescheduling is way too much of a hassle! They can just celebrate the weekend before or after.

Hey Prudence,

What struck me about Dogs Be Gone’s letter is that she doesn’t seem to understand that her mother-in-law’s attachment to her dogs may be an outward expression of her grief and loneliness. I’m betting that the MIL finds many family gatherings to be difficult since losing her partner. The dogs likely fill the MIL’s need for companionship and offer some emotional support. This doesn’t excuse them being poorly trained, but I think it might help the LW to understand the MIL’s mindset. Your suggestion for a meal at a dog-friendly hotel nearby is great. Since this situation seems to come up outside of holidays too, another option could be to gift the MIL a dog play yard or some travel crates to keep at the LW’s house, along with treats and a few toys to keep the dogs occupied.

—Doggone Prepped

That’s a very insightful thought. And a dog play yard would be much more affordable than a hotel room!

Hey Prudence,

Re 72 in Savannah: The LW should talk to their son. Tell him you can’t manage your grandson and keep him safe, so you’re not going to babysit him anymore. You write about this like it’s the kid’s fault, but you shouldn’t take that tone with his parents. It will make them defensive of their kid. This isn’t anyone’s fault. The kid is acting like a 3-year-old. He needs someone who can manage that energy, and it isn’t you. He will be fine in a different environment—maybe a preschool or daycare that’s set up to handle little kids.

—None of That

Yep. “It’s not you, it’s me” works for babysitting relationships as well as romantic ones.

Hey Prudence,

Your advice for Helping a Friend? is good, but the other thing the LW should say to her friend is that she was the one who wanted to take time to figure out why she always chose the wrong man. The LW should tell her that was an excellent idea, and that she should pursue that line of thought with a therapist. It will help her in the long run.

—Vitajex

Definitely. I hope the friend takes the advice!

Classic Prudie

Last Saturday was my wedding and it was everything I could have wished for, until the reception. One of my co-workers, “Kim,” started saying I was pregnant because I wasn’t drinking. I kept telling Kim I just don’t drink, something everyone knows. She even teases me about it every week when everyone at the office goes to happy hour at a local pub. I asked her to stop, but she didn’t. By the end of the night, I had guests coming up to congratulate me and my confused husband on our upcoming baby.

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