When discussing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, people always talk about the TV series, the movies, or the mountains of merchandise. Even the original comic book is sometimes discussed, but rarely does their music receive the analysis it deserves.
Their first foray into the art form was their 1990 album “Coming Out of Their Shells.” Taking their cue from punk godfather Ian MacKaye, who has often shared his philosophy that a record should support a tour, not the other way around, TMNT made the live show for the album their top priority, performing across the globe from 1990 to 1992.
Though one could view this as a mere cash grab, the turtles loved what they were doing. For example, they would explain to their young audiences that Master Splinter taught them that “you can do more good with music than you can do with any pair of nunchucks.” It felt natural if you consider that they’ve always felt more like a band than a group of crimefighters. There’s the Mick Jagger-type who gets off on being seen as the leader (Leonardo), the Keith Richards-type bad boy who steals the show (Raphael), the Charlie Watts-type anchor who quietly keeps it all together (Donatello), and the Brian Jones-type party animal who is likely to die from a drug-related swimming pool accident (Michaelangelo).
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In April 1994, TMNT released “Turtle Tunes,” a short musical film about the turtles trying to make a TV special with a group of kids in Central Park. Later that year, Christopher Films reunited the Turtle Tunes creative team of maestro Richard Berg and director Larry Osborne. Unsatisfied yet again with creating a mere album, TMNT instead created the surreal straight-to-VHS musical “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas.”
Their holiday release starts in the same way as Turtle Tunes: With a minor key manifesto that fuses New Jack Swing with rock guitar a la Michael Jackson’s “Dangerous” album. “We’re the turtles, and we’re on the lookout for a friend in need/That’s what we’re about,” they sing in unison. “We’re rough and tough, good looking too (at this point Raphael flexes, then motions as if to say he’s just kidding). We laugh and sing and do our thing/We’re the turtles.” By this point in their careers, they had mastered the boy band art forms of dancing and pointing to the camera a lot.
Cut to the heroes in a half shell decorating a Christmas tree. Raphael looks into the camera and asks, “Hey, kids, what do you think? Do we need more lights?” Then he immediately turns to Leonardo and says, “We need more lights!” “They’re coming! They’re coming!” replies an angry Leonardo, who then asks the home audience to help him sing his favorite Christmas song. He then proceeds to sing “Deck the Halls With Pepperoni,” making it reggae and singing it with an offensive accent. The lyrics are mostly standard Christmas fare, though Leo does include slights toward their enemies, Bebop, Rock Steady and The Shredder.
The following scene opens with Raphael congratulating all four of them for getting their gift shopping done by 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve. It isn’t long before they realize none of them thought to get a gift for Splinter, their rat father figure. Thus, they head through the darkness and strut into a danceable synth tune along the way. “Up from the sewer, into the streets to buy a gift we go,” the Ninja Turtles sing. “No bad attitude! No problemo, dude! We’ll get something, never fear!” It’s interesting that this track about going into public sounds so jolly, considering how Raphael had needed a trenchcoat-and-hat disguise in the original film just to see a movie. A lot has changed in four years.
The next thing we see is children in the streets at night playing drums with garbage cans. Over this beat, TMNT launches into the catchy chorus of “Gotta get a gift/gotta get a gift gotta get a gift/gotta get a gift/gotta get a gift for Splinter.” Leonardo expresses their plight in this verse: “I hate shopping in the winter/What do you get a ninja master who has everything? Oh, baby.”
Similar to the opening track on this VHS, here the turtles show off their New Jack Swing influences with masterful harmonies and choreography. In turn, they seem to have influenced music culture – it’s impossible to watch Mariah Carey rollerblading in the “Fantasy” video without thinking about how she must’ve been influenced by the random kid who rollerblades around the Ninja Turtles during “Gotta Get a Gift.”
After that song concludes, Raphael points out that there are only two hours left before Christmas. At 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve, the turtles leave the unsupervised children and continue heading to the stores. It doesn’t take long for them to be distracted yet again. In this instance, Michelangelo becomes mesmerized while passing by a Christmas tree. “Oh no,” Raphael says, “he’s turning into that opera guy again.” Sure enough, Michaelangelo belts out a tenor rendition of “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” except he changed the lyrics to make them a love letter to New York City. “Oh, little city of New York, whose buildings reach to the sky,” he belts out with piano accompaniment, arms swaying like he’s trying to be Pavarotti. “It’s Christmas Eve. Who would believe you’ve got one more gift to buy?” The other turtles are angry with this turn of events, but let him be “that opera guy” for a couple of minutes before denying his request to sing two more numbers.
Having finally completed their shopping, it’s now time for the turtles to sit around a table with Splinter’s gifts and launch into “The Wrap Rap.” TMNT are no strangers to the genre by this point–for example, in addition to dancing for Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap,” they had rapped on their first album during the tracks “Tubin’” and “Cowabunga.” But while “Tubin’” demonstrated aggressive speed, and “Cowabunga” utilized funk instrumentation similar to early New York hip-hop, “The Wrap Rap” conveys a laid-back sound that mirrors the relaxed feeling one has when they’ve completed their Christmas shopping. The minimalist beat, periodic horns, and Leonardo’s smooth delivery all bring Eric B and Rakim’s “I Ain’t No Joke” to mind.
Master Splinter now enters the picture, insisting that the turtles gather round so they can “rock and roll!” The sensei then begins singing a rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” that includes his own gifts, which are as follows: Twelve April O’Neil autographs, eleven pairs of sneakers, ten yellow yo-yos, nine narrow knicknacks, eight chopsticks, seven silk kimonos, six frisbees, five video games, four metal covers (for sewers), three skateboards, two comic books, and a pizza with pepperoni. By the end, the increasing speed and list length overtake Splinter, though he gives a valiant effort before largely sitting out the final verse.
After getting through what Leonardo describes as “the longest song ever written,” Splinter reminds the turtles that the real meaning of Christmas is caring for those less fortunate, and that their love is the only gift he will ever need. Michelangelo responds by asking the group, “Does anybody, like, want a pizza?” After ordering one from their phone booth, the gang is again joined by unaccompanied children, and everyone sings the title track closer. Not much stands out here, other than the food description, “We wish you a year filled with pizza with cheese, whipped cream and pickles but no anchovies.” But as a closing track to tie together a holiday collection, it does its job.
Sadly, “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” would be the last time, as of this writing, that we’d see the fabulous four demonstrate their singing, rapping, and choreography skills. The reviews probably haven’t helped their confidence–for example, Jeremycrimsonfox on IMDB has called it “one of the worst things the TMNT franchise has spawned,” and Reddit user Indiblueninja has commented that it’s “so horrifyingly bad that it’s amusing.”
As with many misunderstood musical works throughout history, perhaps “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” will one day be reevaluated and finally appreciated for the bonkers work of art that it is. Dear reader, maybe you could be one of the cool people who can brag at a later time that you liked it before anybody else did.